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Angel's Lighthouse
Angel's Light
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Hello Everyone, I am writing this to help people catch up with what is going on with me.
You might have read that back in Oct i got sick and had to go to the hospital. they found that i had Osteomyelitis in my hips, pelvis and a few vertebrae. Up to the L5 vertebrae). I came home med of Nov with an iv and taking medicines. Well i kept having sinus wounds popping open so on April 5th i came to Albany medical Center in Albany NY. After looking me over and finding out the same things. The recommended i get an operation called a Hemicorporectomy It has only been done 60 times in the world. I was told without this i would die soon from Osteomyelitis and or MRSA going to my heart and or blood stream and die or it would eat more and more up my spine till all i could do is lay and move my eyes. I have been in a wheelchair since age 2 but done well. Had 3 kids and a normal life,hard and abusive at times but still normal. 6 years ago i meet Lord Laraby and we live together he is my Master, Friend, Doctor, you name it. He has done wonders for me over the 6 years. but anyways back to April 5 so they offer me this Hemicorporectomy operation which would mean rerouting my bowels to my stomach and rerouting my urinary to my stomach. Then they would remove all of my from L5 vertebrae up. Would be my legs, hips, pelvis, butt, anus and all sexual parts inside and outside. I have decided to have the operation. I truly don't feel i have a choice. I have my hard times and i cry a lot but i know i can get through this. Master is being wonderful and helping all he can. I am still in the hospital . Aprile 13th they will do the first part of the operation which is the rerouting part then in May the Hemicorporectomy will be done and maybe my breast pulled up and made small a few weeks after that. Then once held on to rehab for 2-4 months. I have decided to keep a blog of this journey as i could not find any from others to help me through this i want to leave something to help the next person. I would ask that you please visit my site and join up . you may leave Messages there . It is hard to get to Lifejournal but i finally got here. Hospital fire wall is odd.

I hope to hear from some of you. once you sign up be sure to verify your email addy.
22nd-Nov-2009 07:48 pm - Some help in healing
Right now my life is well at most something I am thankfful for still having. I was very close to dying and to many they may say i still i am but i am one to think about Living not dying. I went to the hospital thinking yet another time of cellulitus to my feet. Well was i every wrong when 4 nights becing there i woke to my bed dripping fuild from it and me soaking wet an asbess had broke lose from an old operation sight losing about 2.5 pints of goo... then i was told ALL the boens in my hips and pelvis are infected with MRSA and that to have them all took out to get rid of it would mean to NEVER set up again. wel being in a wheelchair what do i have but to set. So i said no way in hell. i rather have times this infection flairs up then never set again. This was all at St. Mary's i have found a Dr at Albany Med willing to look at me but in the mean time St. Mary's kicked me out with fever and all and ssent me home to life or die till we worked it out. was big fight there. Now i am home and being took care of every min by CNA. Friends, My Fiance, son. it sucks emotionally but i am alive. I hate being waited on by everyone else. I am a Southern girl and like to do the cooking, cleaning and serving up the bacon myself. lol. it hurts now not to be able to do so. My Friends, son and Fiance all tell me they love me and don't mind doing for me but right now i am a round the clock job for the them all. I ask that you all please keep me in the prayers or what ever you use to send good waves. I go monday to the new doctor and time will tell.I have been very sick and some Medical dumb people don't see me really getting well but what do they know. My Family believes i am worth taking care of and taking a chance on so do i. It has been different i will admit watchigt hem take care of himself and me but i know i will get better and in time do it for them again. Here is what happened.
am pulling threw day by day. again Medical people may not agree with me. but i am stuburn. I am working on visualization healing..... I am asking all who know me to help me with this...

Here is what you do and it can be researched online a woman cured her cancer. But again faith and believe is what makes all things work. so bare with me and finish reading please before you think i hav e had to many pain killers.

When you have some free time go into a deep thought meditation it does not have to be to far just very relaxed. First Imagine a Pelvic as it should be.. then imagine taking some rags, sprays, what ever cleaning tools you might use and a bucket for the bad stuff you clean and spray bottle of antibotics. then make yourself small and go into my pelvix and hips and pick some bones to clean...when done we been spraying them with a small bottle of anitibotic to help them not get more infection. put all the infection into a bucket and travel up the right hip and find the drainage hole i have there and dump it.

I have been doing this and having others do it and the nurses have comment wow you have a lot of drainage for 24 hours i tell the truth my friends and i been bringing it up not waiting for it just to get to the hole on it's own.

So if you have a few minutes while falling to sleep or at that long light at coming home rush hour please come on into my body and help me clean.
31st-Jan-2009 08:31 pm - Something I wrote many years ago
I played many years, always being dealt hands that could not win. There was no need to even bet.
Finally one day I was dealt a hand that could not be beat.

I made my bet. The table froze in time. No one was calling my bet. No one was raising me. Time froze, but not my mind nor my heart. I sat . I watched the table.

Nothing was moving forward. It was like I was still at the start. Each minute that ticked away waiting for the table to thaw slowly made another piece of my heart fade away.

"I finally have the winning hand," my mind says, "but why is the table
not moving? Why is no one betting?"

My heart says, "don't
fold mind! Soon the table will move forward. Our hand is to good
to fold.

My mind says to my heart, "but heart each minute that ticks you are dying more."
Alas my heart is stubborn and dreaming.
My Heart says, "but i can't let you fold. We never had a hand this good."

And so my mind and heart wait longer and longer my heart becoming
more broken,my mind becoming more discouraged with each passing

Everything was frozen in time except my mind and heart and the ticking
clock on the wall.

My mind looked at the hand from time to time, recognizing it as a winning hand.

My heart reminded my mind, it is the
only winning hand they have ever been dealt.

Some days my mind had started to lay the cards down but it had never gotten them on the table
for my heart would scream out "No! just a little longer! Soon, mind. Soon
the table will move forward."

Therefore my mind would bring the cards back up, look at them, and try to draw hope from my heart.

The clock kept ticking on the wall. With each tick breaking the heart more.

At times my heart was so broken my mind could barely hear my hearts faint cries to keep holding on - not to fold.

The clock keeps ticking yet nothing moves forward. The only thing continuing is the breaking of my heart as my mind drifted away.

The heart screamed faintly, "no no don't fold! Hold on! The table will
unfreeze soon."

My mind wondered where it would draw it's hope from once the ticks of
the clock had totally broken my heart.

My heart wondered who would hold
the cards if the mind kept being torn apart with each tick of the clock.

My mind wonders after all this time holding on if there would come a day that my heart on it's last string, will
finally scream, "fold! fold! I am broken all the way, we can hold on no more.
We are dead !" Slowly the cards will fall from the hand . My mind will
be gone torn totally apart and heart will be gone, nothing left except a broken, battered, worn out, broken non fixable heart.

My mind and heart both wondered , if they would wait way to long, till this would be their own destiny, yet
still the heart screamed out, "no! Don't fold ! Hold on a little longer the table will unfreeze."

Would it unfreeze or would my mind and heart die before anyone realized their pain?
24th-Dec-2008 12:59 am - S.L.A.V.E.
You are the
S. safe arms i can run to in a world i am so scared of
You are someone i know can
L love without fear of it being used against me
You are
A light in my life i know will not go out
You show me what my
V value really is in life
You make
E everyday worth living

Merry Christmas My Lord

from Your slave girl angel
19th-Dec-2008 04:00 am - a song i changed for WoW
You act like you were just born tonight
Face down in a Orgrimmar but feeling all right
So who does your Tank belong to today?
Baby, you don't say nothing to me since WoW came your way

The Trolls in the Group thinking, "who is this Tauren dude?"
But they don't think nothing when they're needing on blues
You look so careless when they're shooting that bow
Don't you know Tanks are heroes when their rage bars aren't low

Tell me you're trying to cure a seven-year ache
See what else your Broken Armor can take
The boys say, "when is he gonna give us some Loot"
The Mages say, "god I hope he gets the argo soon"

Everybody's talking but you don't hear a thing
You're still up in BRD on your downhill swing
The Guild is empty, why don't you come around?
Baby, what is so great about taking an elite down?

Spending your gold to be someone you're not
You say you're looking for something you might've forgot
Don't bother calling to say you're leaving WoW alone
'Cause there's a Quest on every corner when you're trying to get home

Just tell 'em you're trying to cure a seven-year ache
See what else your Broken Armor can take
The boys say, "when is he gonna give us some Loot
The Mages say, "god I hope he gets the agro soon"

Tell me you're trying to cure a seven-year ache
See what else your Broken Armor can take
The boys say, "when is he gonna give us some Loot"
The Mages say, "god I hope he gets the agro soon"
16th-Sep-2008 11:06 pm - new way to journal
Ok this is an odd way to do journal. lol.I have food on so I need to keep remembering that. hum can't see what i have typed there is a way to be sure i don't read back. lol.
the kitchen being apart bugs me much. it reminds me of moving which has always been about change and i don't do well with change . now that is something coming from a multiple. i enjoyed reading thesites on mpd i know you said last night why would i do that. was it a waste of time . i have to ask you my Lord if you were not sure of things about yourself would you not from time to time just want to try and find something to make you feel you were ok. i gues sometiems i look to find something that says i am ok. sometimes it is even to hear other systems who have problems and i can then say i am ok cause we do bettdr than that. sometimes it is to see that others have had the same things happen to them so i don't have to think i am odd. so in a way when you see me doing that it is like i am trying to touch base with what i am. i need sometimes to know i am not the only one still. as if the whole world got singel and i am the only one left. is nuts i guess but is how it is.

Bear has asked to talk to all of us sometimes this week she sent a memo stating she needed to talk to us about something at the next blue room meeting. which i hear is to be sometimes this week. is to be some talk about how to handle the fact is more and omre of us needing space. i believe the store floor is going to be moved to 7th to make room. since for some reason 6th is not being moved. at least thatwill open up 7th floo and it says must not be anything there to important as it can bemoved. maybe some floors are just empty i don't know. i do wonder what bear wants to talk about. she is normally quite.
well we are on book 18 it should be fun, i hate that he uses words i can't read. i have a hard enough time reading normal words let alone that stuff he comes up with.

my neck and shoulder are still hurting. maybe it is stress i don't know. i just know i need the kitchen back to normal. even in there a few mins ago cooking it felt so odd. when we have moved i have rushed to be sure the basic rooms were normal. could be some odd thing in me from the past i don't know.

i am not sure how the format of this will come out as it looks odd here.

I wonder if most fw are not just ex abused women. maybe that is why they are as they are. coming from abuse could make one scared to get in a life that rides such a tight rope to abuse. she also might not trust her own judgment. i know i have a problem at times with trsuting my own judgement.

ok i am sending this and seeing how it comes out formated.
hugs i love you my Lord
love your slave girl angel
I think I may be figured out what makes a slave.

A slave is . Whatever the person's Master wishes them to be. This is what makes a person first a slave and then the Master also decides what he wishes from his slave. Once he knows what he wishes from his slave then he can determine if she is being a good slave or a bad slave according to his wishes and desires and use of the slave.

A Master does not need a slave but he may wish services he needs done performed by her. He could do it himself or have other means of having these needs meet. I feel an example of this is a man may need car insurance. There are many companies to provide this serve so he does not need a certain company he decides which one he wants to provide him with the car insurance he needs. A man may need a Doctor, there are many different doctors that could be his doctor he has to decide which doctor he wants to do what medical treatment he needs. I feel owning a slave is the same way. A Man may have things he needs done but it up to him to decide who he wants to do them. It is up to him to decide if he wants to clean his own house, hire a maid, leave it dirty or own a slave and have her clean it. He may decide that hiring a maid is much more time conservative for him to do than do it himself. He can then look at it own a slave girl who can do it naked for him is much more fun. The main point is he is deciding which way is better for him or more enjoyable for him. He does not really need the maid or the slave. It is just more easier or enjoyable to have them than to do it himself he is what he may decide.

A Master has the right to treat his slave any way he decides. How he treats her is the way he wishes to treat his slave. It may not be how another feels a slave is to be treated but it goes back to what makes a slave. If he feels to give her gifts is fine to do with his slave and does not make her less of a slave to him, this is his right as Master. A Master owns a slave to be his slave and to guide and master. If he went by a set of rules put in place by some power that deemed itself the authority on slaves who really would be the Master. He may read other people's ideas and thought and take from them what he wishes but because he does not follow another person's set of rules by the letter does not make her any less slave to him.

One Master may find to feel he owns a slave he has to have a girl he keeps in g-string and pasties. He may feel he feels she is more like a slave if she sleeps inside a cage in the basement. Another Master may find he still feels he owns a slave if he has her dress prison uniform and sleep chained to the foot of his bed. A third Master may say he still feels the girl he owns is a slave if she is in the finest evening gown and his way of feeling he owns a slave may be that she lays next to him each night in his arms in his bed. It comes down to what the Master feels he can have his girl do and he feel in his mind and heart he owns a slave.

A Master has the right to do what he wishes with his slave. Having the right to do something though does not always make it right. He has to look at what the consequences of using his right to do this will be.
So while The Master has a "right" to live his life strictly for pursuing his own wants and needs, experience has taught him that this is actually a recipe for dissatisfaction and suffering. As a consequence, a fair amount of his time and effort are directed by a concern for the welfare of "the whole": other people, social and environmental concerns, etc.
It is the same for the things he has the right to do to his slave. He decides based on his experience of the slave and what the results of activating his right.
He may also decide that it is his right to make her sleep in the basement. He may even do this for a week. It is also his right to reevaluate this decision. If he decides that the basement is very cold and his slave is getting sick from this, he may decide the medical bills for her being sick and the time she would be out of serve to him is not worth using this right.

Just some thoughts I had. I know they could be all mixed up but I wanted to share them.

I love you my Lord
Love your slave girl angel
24th-Jun-2008 06:43 pm - Slave girl
sounds seem far away
the feelings seem to be numbed
yet some feelings are so strong they can't be tucked away

she fights to stay in this world
to fight the daze that comes over her
but she knows she is but a slave girl

a slave girl under her Master's whip
the whip that brings joy and pain
the same whip that she kisses with her tender lips

feelings grow deep inside her that she can not fight
her hunger roars for the touch of him she knows as Master
a feelings she feels inside now both day and night

she tries to remember a time when her life felt so right
but in her time when others say her as free
she was bound by her own chains and owned she now she feels she has won her fight

the collar tight around her neck, her fingers touching it knowing it made her more free
than all those nights she lay alone unowned and chained in her own despair
the collar gives her freedom others can never know and brings her more happiness than she thought could ever be.

Her mind comes back to this world
as her body yields to her Master's touch
a happy owned yet more free than others being his slave girl
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